KatherineAnn’s Blog

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This is the end… of the beginning

Well, today was my last day in the office of the Calloway County Family Resource Center and CC-ASAP, where i have spent the entire semester (500 hrs) as an intern.  I am so full of mixed emotions… i hate those by the way, i like to be very black and white about how i feel, but of course with me it’s never that way because i think too far into everything.  anyway, once again in my life, it is the end of something great that didn’t last long, and the beginning of “who knows what.”  Although i have no reason to doubt God and what He will do with me but i just can’t stand the thought of wasting my time anywhere for any amount of time.  i say, if i’m going to be here on this earth living and breathing and dealing with world “stuff” then i better be useful at all times or else there was no reason for me to be on earth dealing with “stuff” at that moment so why was i there?  i know, it’s a horrible way to think but lets face it, i’m one of those children that God never has to worry about me falling in love with the world.  this place is not my home, i have never felt comfortable here or that i belong here or fit here in any way.  Yeah it’s not fun but what can you do right?  Because of that, it’s hard for me to picture what life will be like for me from here on out.  Having a job and just living a normal human life day after day just does not seem worth it all to me.  i want a bigger adventure, i want life to be more than that.  I want something spectacular, not something normal like worry, to jump start my heart in the morning.  I guess it’s my own sin that i deal with that thinks that anything other than a big, spectacular adventure is a waste of time/life.  Man, i have just been Debbie Downer these past couple of weeks.  Sorry about that.  This probably happens because i work so hard at being happy all day.

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frustration

gosh… i can’t get it off my heart and out of my head so i have to write it down… a very frustrated and angry student was in the counseling center today because he said he had  been bullied.  he turned toward me at one moment and asked “what is the point of my life?”  and the reason i am so frustrated is… i don’t have an answer for him.  i feel as though i have the drive and the heart to help others in all sorts of ways and i can’t even answer a simple question like that for myself, let alone for him or anyone else.  i want to know what any of you would have responded back to him… i was SPEECHLESS and i gave him sort of a look like “yeah man i agree” but everyone on this earth would have totally disagreed with me and would have been very angry at me if i actually verbally told him something like that… but why?? why is the world so afraid of such a discussion?  are we all supposed to keep smiles on and act like life has some valuable meaning but really none of us know what it is… i think people would be mad at me if i said that, but truth is THEY would be speechless as well… and i’ve heard it all before “oh but your friends and family would be so sad if you didn’t exist” or “well you have to give life a chance to fulfill your dreams” or “life is full of blessings” or “just trust and don’t give up.”  but does that come even close to answering his question “what is the point of my life.”  i’m just frustrated because i believe WHOLEHEARTEDLY in the Lord and believe every word in his love letter to us and i still am struggling with the thought that when i am on my death bed i really don’t think i will look back and say “wow, life is SO valuable. i would totally do that again and look at everyone else in the world and be happy they have to go through life too.”  i know… i’m screwed up.  why doesn’t my mind work like everyone elses and just LIVE MY LIFE and not think so hard about its point.

i asked my dad once why God put us here and He said maybe because God IS love and bases everything He does on love then maybe he wanted to make an incredible love story come to life with us and through us.    i think i agree with that but i don’t remember getting an invitation from Him asking me if i wanted to go through it or not… i just came screaming into this world and continue screaming inside until this is over. don’t get me wrong… while i am here i WILL make the best of it and live every step for the Lord and do what is right because i only have this moment once, i only have this life once… i may as well get the very best out of it… but WOW… SO much of it is not deep enough to even bother.  i don’t think is world, this life, is AT ALL what God actually intended for me… so artificial, so ugly, so selfish, so wrong, SO MESSED UP.  no wonder God did all the things he did before Jesus came to pay the price for us.  God now sees us as saints when we all deserve hell.  by his grace we don’t have to live this life alone.  but we still have to live this life?  ugg my heart just will not rest over this… God help me.  my grandmother is on her deathbed and i look back on her life and yeah she did a lot, she lived for the Lord, she had children and has grandchildren and i just can’t wrap my mind around the dire significance of it all.  the dire need for her or mine or anyone elses life to happen? i don’t mean to be disrespectful in any way but i’m just an aching heart in dire need of an explanation… of the truth.  thought i had access to it all the day i gave Jesus my crown and thrown over my life.  and maybe that is all it is… Jesus has complete control over it and my life must be pretty valuable if Jesus wants the crown over it… i sure don’t want it.

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Sigh of relief…

Ok friends and family… i know all who read my last post were left… concerned to say the least. I just want to thank you all so much for the amount of love… nothing but love expressed to me over my sin and lack of faith concerning my relationships with people.  I want to also let you know about what God has done through me since that post…  Wow… God is good… i am just overwhelmed with the amount of grace and love the Lord has for me… his weak child.  His strength truly has been made perfect in my weakness.  It’s so funny because my life is EXACTLY what i have been praying to God for my whole life… i wanted my life to be different, challenging, meaningful, purposeful, exciting, adventurous, beautiful, captivating, and something to run hard and fight for.  lol yep, that’s always been my prayer and God has made it so!  I look back at all my MANY but short relationships with people and although i was always very sad to let the friendship go i knew it was in God’s hands and for the best… which of course made me mad at God for that short moment of loneliness.  But i sit here today as i look back i am in AWE and WONDER at every beautiful and magnificant thing i gained from each and every relationship.  i can specifically name each person and tell you a detailed description of how my time with that person has touched me and changed me for the better or prepared me for what God wants me to do with that new knowledge and revelation. I don’t know if the average person who has had the same group of friends in their lives their whole lives and no one else, if they can say the same thing?? I have been exposed to more corners and secrets and God’s working hands on this earth because of all of these short but deep relationships with people from ALL over the globe, from all different backgrounds and beliefs and talents and wisdoms and gifts… with people i am in the presence of God himself! all of these people put together paint a beautiful, take your breath away kind of picture of who God is.  He did in fact create us, his children, in the image of Himself!!  SO cool. and I, Kate Cushing, am being tossed around in order to catch a glimpse of His face and His character.  Life is so short, i am grateful now that He is using this short time to expose me to as much as possible.  The world wants me to desire comfort… well, i don’t want to be comfortable… even when it comes to my relationships… i always want to be used, challenged and abused for His purpose.  as much as i complain, the pain is only for a moment then it’s time for me to have faith and ask God what he has for me next!

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The model that is Christ

i feel like i begin every new post this way but MAN… it’s been a long time since my last post but let me just say that if you draw near to God, He will draw near to you.  i’ve been kind of avoiding Him for a while so that is for sure the reason that i have not been inspired or touched by something enough to write a post about it.  John 15:5 is my favorite verse for a reason… “He is the vine, i am the branch… if i remain in Him and He in me… i will bear much fruit… without Him i can do NOTHING.”  His word is SO alive… i have yet to figure out why i get into these ruts where i want to just be comatose and not feel or think.  maybe because if i feel useless to God what good am i at that moment? i know what the truth is… that He loves ME and a relationship with me is more important than what i accomplish on this earth.  so right now i’m back!  I’m back in the Father’s arms where i belong… to tell you the truth i don’t much like feeling all these emotions i’ve been faithfully scaring away but He created us to feel… but to feel joy and peace was His intention for us… sometimes i know we all like to feel horrible because we think we deserve it… i know i do. But Jesus’ long and painful death on the cross we are saying is not enough to pay for our sins BUT IT WAS ENOUGH! no more guilt, ask forgiveness and He sees Jesus scars, and forgives.  Anyway, this wasn’t really the topic on my heart before writing this post but it just came out so i’ll go with it… What really got my heart pounding to the point where i just HAD to write it and share is an idea that i heard from a Rich Nathan sermon.  because i am surrounded by amazing artists in my life i feel like i got a really good understanding and picture of the point Rich was trying to get accross.  he explained that (and i’m also adding in my own ideas and understanding to it) Our life should not be looked at like a “paint-by-number” where God tells you exactly where to go and what to do. although so many of us would like to think so and expect God to relate to them in that way.  What God gives us in our lives is a blank canvas in which to use our own styles and use of colors… and Jesus is our model in front of us giving us the perfect idea of what our painting should look like.  our individual relationships with Jesus, our life experiences, and our choices all make up what our overall painting will look like.  i have a picture in my mind right now of what my own canvas looks like right now… how flawed but beautiful my painting looks… as the perfect face of Christ is coming into view… slowly but recognizable.  i LOVE watching my sister Christen do a painting… i can never guess what her purpose of the painting is until it’s complete… i love trying to guess what the overall picture is while it’s in progress and i always get it wrong! lol! but when i look at her creation after she has perfected every last bit of it… i stand in awe of her expertise and feel the full benefits that she wants her audience to get from it.  i know i don’t fully understand what God is trying to do with my life right now but i think when He is ALL finished with me and i look full on at what He has so perfectly created i will be standing in awe of Jesus.

Well thanks for letting me type what is burning in my heart right now! as for what is happening in my life right now, 2011, a lot as usual and i am SO grateful. not so much busy but busy in my heart and spirit!  i pray my heart and spirit are always busy as nice as it would be for me to just be comfortable… i’m always more grateful for the GO! than the stop.  i’m still working for catering st. louis and love every bit of it.  i am still learing SO much about myself and people.  i’m learning how to truly love people and not let that feeling of entitlement creep in to destroy my relationships with my coworkers.  Herbie is still my support when i get home, unconditional love, forgiveness, joy… everything i crave when i walk through my front door. Praise God! i hope Herbie won’t ALWAYS be the one i enjoy when i walk through my front door but for now he’s a HUGE blessing.

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“Skip like a lamb if you like!”

WOW! Jim Stern gave a really good sermon today (9/26/10).  It was all about how we like to think of God as being like the lottery… if we wait and beg and hope long enough that He will make everything just work out instantly.  But God is more like a savings account, if we invest a little at a time and allow things to grow… in the end we will receive our reward.  Jim also gave a great analogy by saying we don’t like the pace God is moving… it’s like that driver on the road we get stuck behind going the speed limit or just below.  We don’t thank that person for making us slow down and be safe, we ask them “what is wrong with you?? I have places to go! I don’t understand why you can’t go faster!?” This sermon went directly to my heart because I’ll admit that I let my annoyance with God’s perfect pace get in the way of our relationship and what He wants to teach me HERE and NOW.  Jim also helped me realize that all this stuff He’s slowly leading me through is ALL about what’s at the finish line for me and nothing else.  So I have no need to be so concerned about things that are out of my control… I just need to keep my eyes open to what God’s trying to do IN me NOW.  The end result is what it’s all for.

I have trust issues anyway in almost every area of my life.  How can I trust God with my life now not knowing what my end looks like??  But that’s what Christianity is… that’s what it’s all about… trusting God (the unseen) with everything.  The more I know God the more I can trust Him but I need to keep reminding myself that He’s NOT in anyway like all the human beings in my life that I’ve trusted who have let me down time and time again.  For some reason every time a person lets me down I am STILL to this day, very surprised no matter how many times it’s happened to me… maybe it’s my spiritual gift of mercy that allows me to look at everyone as someone worth trusting no matter what they’ve done to me, themselves, or others…  I don’t know… but I do know God is perfect, wants the best for me, is worthy of trust, and loves me like no person on earth can.  Why can’t I remember that when people hurt me,  And walk in the peace and joy God lays out for me??

I LOVE The Message Remix bible… it speaks the word to me like how my Big sister Christen speaks the word to me.  She’s very good at putting God’s word into words that reach me.  Anyway, I read a verse in it today that I think will help me walk in that peace and joy God wants me to have especially through those times when people let me down… it says “count yourself blessed every time someone cuts you down or throws you out, every time someone smears or blackens your name to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and that that person is uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens- SKIP LIKE A LAMB IF YOU LIKE!!- for even though they don’t like it, I DO… and all heaven applauds. And KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN GOOD COMPANY; my preachers and witnesses have always been treated like this.” Luke 6:22-23.

So next time you see me down because of how a person treated me… please remind me that it’s time to “skip like a lamb” and move on! Luke 27 goes on to say… “to you who are ready for the truth, I say this: Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer for that person, if someone slaps you in the face, stand there and take it. IF SOMEONE GRABS YOUR SHIRT, GIFTWRAP YOUR BEST COAT AND MAKE A PRESENT OF IT! If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously. Our father is kind, you be kind.”

This is going to be a long growth process for me because my flesh immediately wants justice… that’s what this world has taught me to demand. I don’t feel I deserve to be disrespected or mistreated but look at Jesus… He was PERFECT and certainly did not deserve the mistreatment and disrespect He got but He loved us and LAYED down His life anyway.  I’m a sinner… I deserve a WHOLE lot more pain than Jesus got compared to the puny pain I complain about now everyday.  Wow I really do need that LONG walk with God… no quick fix would solve this problem in my heart, that’s for sure.

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Journey update

Wow, it’s been a while i know… life has been crazy to say the least and i love it. boring and predictable has no “life” to it.  anyway, i have been working for a catering company and have been learning SO much about myself in the process.  I’ve realized that the more i’m around nonchristians the more my heart is truly exposed to myself.  how i am around christians is not a true test of where my heart is… i have to get out in the world to see if i’m truly not OF the world.  i asked God to reveal to me the ugliness of my heart so i could deal with it and He has not wasted a second.  at the end of each event that i do my heart wants nothing more than to be on its knees before the Lord.  Now that’s good conformation to me that my heart is where it should be but it’s because i am being reminded of my capabilities of being the kind of person i thought i was not which is where i think most christians are at… they think that their hearts are not capable of being ugly because they surround themselves with people who are also trying to stay on the straight and narrow.  i would like to challenge christians to get yourself out in the world and put your hearts to the real test… it will humble you and remind you of God’s great mercy for us.

ok so i’m going to share with you some of the ugliness my heart has brought to the surface this summer… i’m ashamed but am resting in God’s mercy more than ever because He has loved me through it and is molding me to be like that of His son and WOW now that i am closer to God’s heart again i am seeing just how much He LOVES and hurts for the lost… His people.  I’m crying while i write (in mcdonalds… nice) this because my heart aches with how much i deeply love every single person i work with and how much i want them to know our savior.  I’m SO happy to have my gift of mercy running strong again.  the closer i am to the Lord the more He uses my gift and gives me power in the gift beyond what i could possibly dream to do by myself! i truly see it as a beautiful miracle that God has purified my heart so much to see His people as He Himself, the creator sees them. ok i got off track a little sorry… one of the most recent tests God put before me that i will never forget happened while i was working at the Botanical Gardens in the Spink pavilion… it was VERY hot and humid that day and me and other workers were setting up and a very old couple with some young children walked up looking exhausted and dripping with sweat… they tried to open the door and it was locked i saw them coming up and starting putting down my arms-full of stuff i was carrying to let them inside for some air conditioning and water whatever they needed and the event captain said “f*** off, it’s locked” while the other workers laughed. i stopped dead in my tracks wondering what everyone would say to me if i let them in anyway or ran water out to them… all of these excuses to justify doing nothing about it went pouring through my head as i watched them slowly walk away in desperation. and when they finally were out of sight my heart sank SO low… the rest of the night i prayed for mercy for my aching heart and tears i was holding back and God kept repeating this verse to me in my head over and over…

Matthew 25:40 (The Message)

37-40“Then those ‘sheep’ are going to say, ‘Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?’ Then the King will say, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.’

OUCH… I felt like i had just turned Jesus Himself away.  this was for sure the most impactful situation this summer but i for sure felt the sting of my betrayal every time i joined in a gossiping conversation, dirty talk, lied, blamed, or took advantage… wow i am much worse than i ever thought and can hurt God just as badly as everyone else. Although, through this i feel i am coming out the other side able to love more deeply and more pure than before… because God is God and He is a Good, loving, merciful, and just God.  My heart is glowing with praises!  THIS is why we worship.   “You’re altogether lovely, altogether worthy, altogether wonderful to me, so here i am to worship, here i am to bow down, here i am to say that you’re my God”

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Heaven

Ok so my dad gave me the idea to allow you guys to pick my brain about what i think heaven is like… i don’t want people to read this and think that i am totally correct and start quoting me on all this because these are my words and not God’s words… although, i have no doubt that the Holy Spirit is within me and gives me wisdom and the ability to see the world differently as God sees it.  it is through my dreams, my desires that line up with His, and His word i put together what i think heaven is like.  I will start off by saying that i grew up believing, as i’m sure most of you have believed at some point, that heaven is full of pearly gates, gold paved roads, white robes, angel wings, clouds, and harps… ok… if that is all heaven is then count me out! i do not want to spend eternity there… gag me! i would probably enjoy a place like that for a few days and be sick of it.  as i matured more and more in my faith and got closer and closer to God’s heart i realized that God’s righteous mansion in the sky is probably filled with all the things He values most.

my older sister is a good example of this because when you walk into her house you know IMMEDIATELY what she values most.  i think it is this way with most people’s homes you walk into.  When anyone walks into my sister’s home you can ALWAYS count on being greeted with a friendly hug and huge welcome!  She will have something delicious cooking in the kitchen that she intends to share with you.  she will have her favorite indie music playing in the background that keeps a bounce in her step and dancing wherever she goes.  she is also an artist so she will have her creative mind displayed for all to enjoy as you look around you.  she takes pride in them and adores talking about them and helping people see them as she does.  although my sister herself is energetic and fun, her home makes you relax and feel comfortable in your skin.  she will make you laugh until your sides hurt, her eyes communicate how much she adores you.  and the most important thing about my big sister’s home is that you never want to leave.  Some people come in and surrender to all the wonderful things my sister’s home has to offer them while others get jealous for one reason or another and cannot accept it.  they harden their hearts to it in a way.  i know because i did it myself for a while.  Everyone wants to be the super hero, not everyone can accept that they are the one that needs to be rescued.  does anyone see where i’m going here??

I believe that God’s house will be like my sister’s house but in the Holy, righteous, perfect end of the spectrum.  We will be invited in and welcomed with love that you can just simply feel radiating from God because His word says that He IS love.  We will also see people because i think that is what he values most.  He created humor and all the things that people adore so He will have things there that we desire.  I feel He is a HUGE family kind of God who loves keeping the family together.  We will be rejoicing and enjoying our time together.  I think that God will have all of his most magnificent creations displayed for us to see and He will take pride in showing us how to see it as He does.  He will have music playing in the background that just makes people light up and dance.  And the most important thing again… we will NEVER want to leave.  Now i have not been very good at putting into words my vision of Heaven but it is FOR SURE a place where i want to spend eternity.  I believe that He will invite everyone into His house but if a heart is not changed by Jesus then they will have a hard time accepting the love and become jealous as the Devil had done and not feel they can stay.

Whenever i have dreams about heaven i am always on earth it seems, or some place like earth but obviously a perfect place.  i can always feel God’s presence and i just feel at peace and loved.  I always have my own beautiful black horse that is connected to me somehow, understands me and wants what i want (i had this dream WAY before Avitar so don’t think i got the idea from it, i was in tears when i saw how similar it was to my dream) anyway, the water and flowers everywhere are perfect. there are flowers i have never seen before and the water is more refreshing and does more things for your body and soul than you can imagine.  There is always a beautiful wooden boat that just coasts around the water and when i go on it it takes me wherever i want to go.

One summer in college i worked for a christian summer camp and the staff spent a week getting to know each other and preparing the camp for students and there was one late night in the worship center that felt like heaven to me…. we were all EXHAUSTED beyond belief, it was super late and we were meeting for our last talk before bed and someone put on worship music as we were walking out and we all stopped dead in our tracks and began to sing all together.  with tears of joy we went to our own corners of the center and worshiped God as if He was standing right before us.  none of us were even paying any attention to anyone else.  this went on for about a hour.  then some dance music came on and without saying a word… we all got up and danced with more joy than our feet could handle.  none of us had ever experienced anything like it.  we all barely knew each other but could not stop smiling and dancing…. this went on almost allll night.  this was THE happiest moment of my life.  THIS is what it meant to be in God’s presence and THIS, IS, heaven.

By the way… it is my big sister’s birthday tomorrow!! Happy birthday Christen! thank you so much for showing God’s love to everyone and anyone who comes into your home. i pray people will surrender to what God has to offer them through you. i love you!

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“I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough, and Doggonit People Like Me”

I don’t know if any of you remember Stewart Smally but he used to look in the mirror every morning and say that to himself and regardless of what others thought of him, he always found success because he viewed himself as worthy.  i think it was some cheesy comedy… i don’t really remember it that well but i never forgot that line and really thought it was quite funny until now.  because now i’m not in school anymore… i’m waking up every morning and going to work and thinking the opposite of myself… so now it’s REALLY not funny because i NEED to say it to myself every morning.

Today is sunday and i woke up this morning with an itch to get dirty.  I was very excited about it!  I went into my closet and pulled all my backpacking gear off the top shelf and took pleasure in the whole 20 minutes it took me to get ready.  because it was so cool and muddy out i was very strategic in what and how i put everything on.  my favorite “accessory” is my genuine leather Timberland hiking boots.  i look down at them all scratched up and reminisce about hiking through the rocky mountains of colorado, giving pony rides to kids at camp in the rain, jumping in the mud to help a horse get unstuck, crossing an ice cold river barefoot with my boots tied over my shoulder… i also put on my layers of rowing shirts and my signature hat and sunglasses.  then i got my buddy Herbie all suited up and he was just as excited as i was!  So, we headed out to Queeny Park.   There were lots of people with their dogs and horses.  Besides my high school commencement ceremony, i had never been to Queeny so it was kind of adventurous! we sought out a trail and went for it.  it was a foggy wet day so it was kind of dark too with all the trees.  we hiked around from trail to trail and noticed a trail that went off the main trail… it looked like a swamp it was so muddy, but to me it was THE trail!  With no fear at all Herbie darted down the trail and i just followed him.  not too far off was a clearing and when we got to the top of the hill we found we were in a huge meadow!  There were horses and other people with their dogs. we all just let our dogs run free while we all talked and it was SO good to talk with people who are like me and understand me.  it was very refreshing.  i think that is why i love kentucky so much… there are just MORE people who are like me and enjoy who i am and enjoy what i like.  most of you cannot imagine what it’s like to have to hide what you enjoy simply because the majority DON’T enjoy it.  and because the majority enjoys what i don’t like… most of the time i have to go along with everyone and pretend to enjoy what they enjoy (shopping and makeup and fashion and celebrities…) its the same as if someone came up to the meadow at Queeny Park with makeup and high heels on, that’s what i feel like a lot of times… everyone looking at me wondering why i’m here and how i expect people to talk to me.  while those people enjoy spending 20 minutes every morning making themselves up… i enjoy my 20 of putting on my mud gear, samething.  and i don’t get to do that every morning because there just isn’t an acceptable female job that requires it.  but for fun i love to do it.

Lets face it… the world requires that we all be the same and to get far in this world you have to be someone most everyone likes… as much as some of you would like to think it’s not true… it is.  So, more than anything i want to be what God wants me to be and i’m debating back and forth on whether to not be afraid of who i am and be proud of how God has created me… OR does he want me to keep challenging myself to become the very best i CAN be which means improving and always striving to better myself for His glory?  well right now i am leaning more toward that He would prefer that i always strive to grow into a better person no matter what the cost (my self, or what i think my self to be).  I feel like the deepest love that i can give to God is to deny who i think i am and what i think i enjoy because i feel in the end… just being satisfied with all that i enjoy will not be enough for me… i will desire more.  If denying myself means i have to wear makeup and high heels in order to get me where God wants me to be then bring on the adventure!  i guess the sinful and resentful part of me wants to enjoy the soil and the trees and tall grass and simple pleasures of the earth in a rebellious way against what the world wants me to be.  i still cry for my heavenly daddy and want to run to him and enjoy the earth with him forever but i feel him saying “that time will come. right now i need you in the front lines.”

I finished my day today watching “Saving Private Ryan” and almost every soldier in that movie who was dying would say how much they wish they were home.  i find it very noble when people simply do their duty… that’s it.  we are lucky enough to be able to come home every night.  there are tons of noble people out there boldly facing their fears everyday to simply do their duty as a human being because they see the higher value in being unselfish than selfish.  i’m probably just being selfish again and wanting everything my way so hopefully i can remember to mentally put my hiking gear on every morning and prepare myself to get my hands dirty and do my noble duty even if it means denying myself in order to get the job done as God wants it. and when i’m on my death bed, i won’t be so attached to this earth and it’s pleasures that i won’t want to leave, but my last noble words will be that I want to go home. and His response to me will be “well done my good and faithful servant.”

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A Leaping Heart and Dang Nerves…

My heart is leaping like crazy! It could be from the Pepsi Max i had today (btw… it tastes kinda like dirt), or maybe it’s from the running around the court i did after school playing volleyball in my dress clothes.  BUT… my heart has raced before because of caffeine or physical activity before and i don’t feel that right now it is “racing.”

I remember when i was in high school and i had surgery on my nose (although i can breath a lot better i liked the way it looked before… a guy in middle school said he liked me b/c i had “the perfect nose”) anyway, i remember laying in the hospital about to go into surgery and they gave me meds that made my heart RACE like you would not BElieve. I don’t think a racing heart has the best intentions behind it because i remember whispering to my mom that i felt like i could punch through a wall or hurt someone. i truly did feel like i was going to hurt someone it was THE craziest feeling in the world.  I remember gripping the mattress on either side of me trying to keep myself from jumping up and ripping out my I.V.!  I cried and begged  my mom to get someone to slow down my blood.  If i would have stood up i think i could have done a triathlon. I even believe caffeine races the heart in a way that throws best intentions out the window.  I bet we ALL have stories about people who go into relationships with a racing heart and there’s just not the softness there that needs to be there… softness that actually allows you to control how the heart reacts.

My heart today, right now is not racing… it is for sure “leaping.”  there IS  a difference.  a racing heart makes me want to keep going and work hard and accomplish some goals.  a leaping heart makes me want to talk talk talk and write write write… about what? i have no idea… it also makes me smile inside and want to hug everyone i see and be extra patient and sensitive.  I feel this is all from a prayer… someone is praying for me.  If you have read my older post about my heart then you know how i need prayers for my incredibly sensitive heart. (i would like to clarify as a side note that although i have a very sensitive heart… i am not a sensitive person… i’m pretty tough so don’t feel like you have to be cautious around me AT ALL. if anything my heart will be catching your attempt to be anything but yourself).  So anyway, this feels nice 🙂  thank you prayer warriors! now i just wish i had someone to share it with other than this computer screen.  Leaping hearts are pretty useless when you’re alone.

That brings me to another subject… i feel i’m pretty comfortable in my skin… so why do i get so freaking nervous around people i really respect??  Why can’t i look them in the eyes with confidence like i can everyone else?? it is SO frustrating because i want to show them more than anyone than i AM confident and i CAN look them in the eyes and that i CAN say what’s on my mind. No wonder it’s hard for them to see me as an equal, i’m making them do all the work… all the talking all the pursuing, just waiting for me to simply lift my freaking chin up in their direction.  it’s gonna take a few times of practice for me to get over my cheeks turning red and my knees knocking and my speech stuttering and my mind going blank all at once.  but i HAVE to make myself do it i won’t get very far in life if i just avoid the very people i want to be like.  another thing you warriors can be praying for.  my heart will definitely leap the day i don’t get nervous when talking to a superior.  one of my internship supervisors last year gave me advice i will never forget… she said “make sure you are always pursuing to make friends with those who you want to be. Those who you will learn from and be challenged by.” i agree that it is very important… now if i can just kick those darn nerves out the window 🙂

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A Piece of Peace

Hello readers!… i have no idea if i even have any readers since my parents are the only ones who comment… but even if that is the case… mom and dad are probably getting to know my heart a lot better than ever before and it feels good to get all this out since i have never trusted anyone in my life (other than my family) to know my heart so well… no one has ever seemed interested… i can’t wait and i expect my future husband to invite me to open my heart like this and to love it!  so once i find Mr. Right i won’t need this or any readers but now and always i will need my family and some good friends 🙂

So… back to business… we sang a song in church last sunday. i forget the song but it was at Destiny Church and there was one line that stuck in my heart… it said that Peace is enough, Peace satisfies … and to kind of go with my last couple of posts about “life” it made a lot of sense to me… When i think of Jesus’ life on earth i always wonder how he could go through life without throwing a fit or complaining… he had a very short life that was lived COMPLETELY for others… there is nothing Jesus did in his life for his own benefit… he laid down his life at a very young age… he wasn’t at all concerned that he would never get to marry or fall in love or have children or money or land or whatever empty dreams humans have… i always wonder why he was so content with the life God had put before him… love i think was a big part of it… love for us and love for God… but i think the biggest part of it was that he had a never-ending flow of peace coming in and flowing from him as well which drew people to him… people felt at home and that they would rest for the first time in their lives in his presence.

Our world over time has become less and less peaceful i think.  the more we “do” the more responsibilities the more thoughts the more movement… the less peace we have in our lives… i think the key to truly “living” as God intended is finding that contentment… finding out ALL the truths about God that Jesus knew of his father and living in those truths and RESTING in those truths.  For example… it is the TRUTH that God has the world in his hands… what is there left to worry about?? “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[a](MAT. 6:25-27) if we don’t have the strength… God offers it to us freely… God tried to simplify our lives and we LOVE to have it complicated… WHY?? He just says do it MY way and it will be easier… Peace is “life.”

Just think about Jesus’ life again…  do you think he ran around like crazy worrying about this and that?  He trusted God to his work.  God set up every divine appointment for every step Jesus made in his life and it was satisfying to him.  Jesus didn’t need more than that… what God had for him.  i’m really just trying to put together my thoughts about this for myself so if it doesn’t make much sense to you i’m sorry.  in the end i think peace will reveal to me what “life” is meant to be because we look at the world and think that some people have “better” lives than others because of situations… either way… no matter what situation you face in life… if you win the lottery and think NOW life is good! without peace it’s nothing… in what we would think is a horrible situation… if those people find peace then their lives are good!  we are SO focused on “getting even” and making things fair and trying SO hard to help those “less fortunate”… when in the end all we need is total peace in our lives.

sorry i could go on forever with this but i won’t… i’ll let my mind keep going and not my typing.  i’ll end by challenging everyone… since i know that most people on this earth want SO much to help others and get frustrated because they don’t know how… i would say be at peace and they will come to you, and when they do come, help them find peace in their lives.  and for your loved ones… don’t you know that God loves them MORE than you do. TRUST… be at peace

“i’ve got peace like a river, i’ve got peace like a river, i’ve got peace like a river in my soul…”

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